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Subject: Appropriate name for mustard
From: Curtis Lipkie

To all parents or future parents: (or aunt's and uncle's)

As ham sandwiches go, this one was absolute perfection. It had a thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. My jaw was aching in anticipation as I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, sat down, and picked it up with both hands.

My wife's pleading voice by my side stopped me. "Could you hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she asked.

I had Johnny balanced on my knee and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin, so I licked it off. It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"

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