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Subject: Living Will by Paul Rudnick

1. If I should remain in a persistent vegetative state for more than 15 years, I would like someone to turn off the TV.

2. If I remain motionless for an extended period and utter guttural, meaningless sounds, I would like a Guggenheim.

3. If I am unable to recognize or interact with friends or family members, I still expect gifts.

4. If I am unable to feed, clean, or dress myself, I would like to be referred to as "Mr. Trump".

5. Do not resuscitate me before noon.

6. If I do not respond to pinches, pin-pricks, Rubber mallets, or other medical stimuli, please stop laughing.

7. If I no longer respond to loved ones' attempts at communication, ask them about our last car trip.

8. Once I am allowed to die a painless and peaceful death, I would like my organs donated to whoever can catch them.

9. If my death is particularly dramatic, I would like to be played by Hilary Swank, for a slam dunk.

10. If there is any family dispute over my medical condition, it must be settle with a dreidel. (A Jewish game of spinning a top to win a pot of money or prizes.)

11. Even if I remain in a persistent vegetative state for more than 15 years, that still doesn't mean bangs.

12. If my doctor pronounces me brain-dead, I would like to see the new Ashton Kutcher movie.

13. If I remain unconscious during a painful, lingering illness, I would like the following life lessons to be published in a book entitled "Tuesdays with Paul": I. Treasure every moment. II. Love everyone. III. If you bought this in hardcover, you're an idiot.

14. I do not want to be kept alive by any machine that has a "popcorn" setting.

15. I would like to die at home, surrounded by my attorneys.

16. If my loved ones insist that the cost of my medical care has become an impossible burden, show them a Polaroid of their "beach shack".

17. In lieu of flowers or donations, I would prefer rioting.

18. I would like my entire estate to become the property of my cat, Fluffy, who said, "He wouldn't want to live like this, with that zit."

19. Assume that, even in a coma, I can still hear discussions about my apartment.

20. If there is any talk of canonizing me, please remember that I have often held the elevator for people who were still getting their mail, that I have twice offered a cab to a woman in a fur coat even though I was totally there first, and that I always waited to make derogatory comments until the couple with the double stroller was a block away.

21. In the event of an open coffin, I would like smoky evening eyes.

22. At my memorial service, I would like my clergyman to begin his eulogy with the words "I suppose, in a way, we all killed him."

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