Subject: Mother's letter to her son
From: Daniel Lipkie
(This joke was found in my Father's billfold when he died in 1980. It seems he and I enjoy the same kind of humor.)
Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive.
I am writing this letter slowly because I know that you cannot read fast.
You won't know the house when you come home... We have moved.
About your father, he has a lovely new job. He has 500 people under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.
There was a washing machine in the new house when we moved in. But is isn't working too good. Last week, I put 14 shirts into it. Pulled the chain and have not seen the shirts since.
Your sister Mary had a baby this morning. I haven't found out yet whether it is a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an aunt or an uncle.
Your Uncle Dick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin brewery. Some of his workmates dived in to save him, but he fought them off bravely. We cremated the body and it took three days to put to the fire.
Your father didn't have too much to drink at Christmas. I put a bottle of castor oil in his pint of beer. It kept him going until new Year's Day.
I went to the doctor on Thursday and you father came with me. The doctor put a small glass tube into my mouth and told me not to open it for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.
It only rained twice last week. First for three days and then for four days.
Monday is was so windy that one of our chickens laid the same egg four times.
We got a letter from the undertaker yesterday. He said if the last installment was not paid on your grandmother within seven days, up she comes.
Your loving Mother.
P.S. I was going to send you $10.00, but I had already sealed the envelope.
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