Subject: New Medications for Women Only
From: Roberta Goodnow
From: Wendy Noritake
D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can
go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to two days.
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy
and loneliness by reminding you of
how awful they were as teenagers
and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women.
Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size,
decreases intelligence and prevents conception.
D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo,
can cause dangerously low IQ,
resulting in enjoyment of country music
and pickup trucks.
F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters
by controlling road rage
and the urge to flip off other drivers.
M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women.
Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a
better person ...
Can we get naked now?"
B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.
Increases potency, duration
and credit limit of spending spree.
J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man
who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary or phone number.
A N T I - T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet
to be used on anyone too eager to share their life
stories with total strangers in elevators.
N A G A M E N T
When administered to a husband,
provides the same irritation level as nagging
him all weekend, saving the wife the time
and trouble of doing it herself
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