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Subject: Retirement envy...
From: Lin, Charlotte

You realize this is just retirement envy...

Two elderly ladies were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and stared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"


Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel pulled it out & stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I know where my hearing aid is."


When the husband finally died, his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. A good friend of the family complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

Replied the widow," I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."


An elderly couple on a cruise were standing on the deck when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. After searching in vain for days, the captain sent the old man back to shore with a promise to notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000, please advise"

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap"


I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out and asked what was wrong.

She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"

"He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."

"Why are you crying?"

"For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.

"Why in the world would you be crying?"

"I can't remember where I live!"


Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I gettin' in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door...

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