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Subject: Ready for Takeoff?
From: Leo Nikora

Here MARTIN PHILLIPS reveals just a few examples of the real-life quips and comments that had passengers rolling in the aisles.

1. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seatbelt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

2. Airline attendant during safety demonstration: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this aeroplane."

3. Stewardess after a bumpy touchdown: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

4. Loudspeaker announcement after landing: "Thank you for flying Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

5. Attendant from same airline: "Welcome aboard. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. If you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn' t be out unsupervised.

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

6. Pilot: "The weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember ... nobody loves you or your money more than this airline."

7. Stewardess: "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

8. Pilot heard over the loudspeaker during touchdown: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

9. Flight attendant after rough landing: "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our plane to the gate."

10. Stewardess: "As you exit, please make sure to gather your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

11. Pilot: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ... sadly none of them are on this flight."

12. Flight attendant: "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. Once the tyre smoke has cleared and the warning bells stop, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

13. Steward: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here."

14. Steward: "Last one off the plane must clean it."

15. And finally, just to prove the air crews are not the only jokers ... elderly female holidaymaker to first officer after a bone-jarring touchdown: "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question? Did we land or were we shot down?"

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