Subject: Alternate gauges of low temperature
From: Dennis Andersen
+65 Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night.
+60 Californians put on sweaters, assuming they can even find one.
+50 Miami residents turn on the heat.
+45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts.
+40 You can see your breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably. Minnesotans go swimming.
+35 Italian cars don't start.
+32 Water freezes.
+30 You plan your vacation to Australia.
+25 Lakes in Ohio freeze. Californians weep pitiably. Minnesotans eat ice cream. Canadians go swimming.
+20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless. New York City water pipes freeze. Miami residents plan on moving farther south.
+15 French cars don't start. Your cat insists on sleeping in bed with you.
+10 You need jumper cables to get the car going.
+ 5 American cars don't start.
0 Alaskans put on T-shirts. Arkansans stick their tongues on metal objects.
-10 German cars don't start. Your nose hairs freeze.
-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Miami residents cease to exist.
-20 Your cat wears pajamas in bed with you. Politicians actually do something for the homeless. Minnesotans shovel snow off their roofs. Japanese cars don't start.
-25 It's too cold to think. You need jumper cables to get the driver going. Your eyes freeze shut when you blink.
-30 You plan a two week hot bath. Swedish cars don't start.
-40 Californians disappear. Minnesotans button the top buttons of their coats. Canadians put on sweaters. Your car helps you plan your trip south.
-50 Congressional hot air freezes. Alaskans close the bathroom window
-80 Polar bears move south. Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.
-90 Hell freezes over.
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